Wednesday For A Family Like Mine

Wednesday came as a blow from the start. I woke up late having no idea what I was going to wear being that for some reason none of my nice clothes seem to fit right anymore. I had to dress up for a field trip I was going on and could not find, for the life of me, one single dress pant that fit, this is coming from girl with so many clothes I can’t even remember all of what I have, (That might just be the problem.) Well anyways I finally dug out a skirt from the bottom of my closet that I have not seen in ages and a shirt hanging in the back of my mother’s closet, threw on some jewelry and make-up and was ready to go. But being that I live in a household of 13 other people, I had to wait. It didn’t seem like God wanted me to get to school on time at all because, one boy was missing a shoe and a tooth that he was frantically searching for, one was still in his P.J’s, one was yelling at my mother for not giving him another glass of juice, one was screaming all kinds of hateful words (boys of their age should not know) and saying crazy thing like “I want to be the devil when I grow up” at my father for only God knows what, one was pretending he was a monkey and I was a tree, one (the birthday boy) was singing happy birthday to himself at the top of his lungs, and who knows what the other two were doing, nothing good I’m sure. After every boy was clothed and calmed down enough to maybe pile up in our big white van, we were marching on our way to get in when my mother gets a phone call… my sister got in an accident on her way to work and her car was totaled, she was panicked so we had to stop everything and figure out what was all going on with her, (she is safe, her car not so much).  Once we were reassured that she was okay we piled up in the van and started off to school, I was late… very late. I was scared I was going to miss the buss for the trip but thank goodness I made it. The field trip was good I saw “Guys And Dolls”, great musical I suggest seeing it. The rest of the day was pretty easy until we went to church. When I got home from school things seemed to be very calm for our house not very often that there’s a peaceful moment in between the beatings from our boys. I was suspicious, kind of like “the calm before the storm”. Well I was definitely right in my thinking, I rode with my mother in our new car while my dad and brother took the boys in the van, when we meet up in the parking lot of the church we found out that apparently the boys were drawling obscene pictures of the human body and holding them up in the window for neighboring cars to see, they drew, for a few examples, a woman’s top half with a male bottom half, a woman bent down slapping her rear, a photo of a woman’s  lower half with the word “pussy” (but they even misspelled it), and other photos of naked woman doing all kinds of things. I understand that they are young and curious about these kind of things and that’s okay it was just the inappropriate scenes that made me feel disgusted with their actions. After my parents got on to them one of our boys flipped out and started screaming at the top of his lungs some very colorful words, all the while my whole youth group is outside playing and can hear it all. Sometimes I just have to laugh at them because of the context in which they use curse words it does not make any since. For instance one might say (pardon my French I’m merely repeating the words of a nine year old), “I’m a little ni***r whore, a**, b**ch, f**king a** whole!”, sad I know and yes that is what he called himself. It got so bad that he was threating people’s lives so my dad had to get a cop to come talk to him, that worked scared him poopless!  After that my parents decided to take all the boys home and just leave my brother and me at the church with the car. So my brother and I got to go in and worship our Father, our beautiful savior, I had to keep thanking God all night that he is able to always love the boys, because without God and his peace he puts in my heart I might have murdered 8 little boys last night. My worship last night was so intimate with God I didn’t want it to end. One more thing I want to share with you, I have this weird thing I do before I start to worship, my shoes HAVE to be off. For some reason I don’t feel close enough to God when my shoes are on. My day started with chaos and an unsettled heart and ended with peace and a settled heart, all because I have a Jesus that loves me and knows how much I can take for one day. <3

My BEAUTIFUL FRIENDS

So its been a long time since I posted. I wish it had not of been so long, but it has. I miss getting on here and just being able to ramble about what ever may be on my mind at that moment. I am writing now because, I just got to thinking about how lucky I am to have the Best friends I do. I like how we can be honest. I love how we can be a open book with each other, I love how when something big happens I can hurry and tell them, I love when I'm sad they always seem to make me fall on the floor laughing so hard I cry, I love that we almost always know how each other are feeling or what we are thinking with out even saying a word, and yes I even love the times that they really piss me off ON PURPOSE because its just sorta their way of saying "I love you.". Even though our world can be ugly, because of MY friends MY World will always be bright because THEY are beautiful. <3
I love all of you :)

Be strong

We are not here to play, to dream, to drift;
We have hard work to do, and loads to lift;
Shun not the struggle—face it; 'tis God's gift.

Be strong!
Say not, "The days are evil. Who's to blame?"
And fold the hands and acquiesce—oh shame!
Stand up, speak out, and bravely, in God's name.

Be strong!
It matters not how deep intrenched the wrong,
How hard the battle goes, the day how long;
Faint not—fight on! To-morrow comes the song.

... Hmmm hard to find the words

I hate feeling so... So... Pathetic. I always get to a certain point of recovery till everything breaks again. I can hardly Stand feeling weak. People think I do not hear their whispers, they are wrong I know what they think of me. They are wrong, it is that simple. I do well at school putting on a smile. I hate when people ask me what's wrong because as long as I keep things to myself, I can do okay pretending that I am okay. A lot of it is my fault. I have given up, almost. I have almost got the point where I am asking myself what the point is of trying when people are going to think what they want anyhow. As strong as I want to be, I can't seem to get there. I just breakdown... Then I get mad at my self for letting it get to me. I am too young to feel tired all the time. I feel like leaving but I know I can't... I have to be "strong" and stay for the little boys. They need us, more than I need out. But oh God j need your help. Urey to do things on my own but I am utterly hopeless without Him. I will post again later maybe.. Sorry for all the errors again, I am typing this on my phone on my way to church. Before I go will you please pray for me? Love you guys have a great night.

XOXO Hannah Shiloh

My generations rolls

You know what I started thinking about? ... Bruno Marz and that song he sings "just the way you are". This is one of my most favorite songs, because of it's message. I know to many guys that do not show this kind of "love" to there girl. Could you imagin if every guy started treating girls this way... You know being back in public school has showed me a lot about most my generation. Guys (not all guys I know a few that are not) are well you know what they are. Girls are complicated, yes but I also believe it is mans job to to tell his girlfriend, wife, daughter, that she is perfect just the way she is and that she does not need to change for anybody. It makes me sad to see when girls alow them selves to be disrespected. Yes I believe woman should have the same rights man do, but no mater what anyone says, woman are emotionally and most the time phicaly weaker (as much as a lot of woman would disagree) than guys. They need to be told everything is okay and to be protected. Men need to remember their job as being men, and well woman do too.
PS. Please forgive my spelling. :)

XOXO,Hannah Shiloh

The Call

This is something I wrote a little while back...

 

 

We all have those days, we all have times that we cry just because we need to. We go through life day after day doing the same old thing. Life begins to be just a pattern. We enter a new day knowing what to expect... Or at least we think we know what to expect. But one thing can ruin your whole day, your whole week, your whole month, your whole year, your whole life.

You get a phone call that messes everything up. You feel as though it cannot really be happening to you… right? Not when you love that person so much how could they not feel the same.

You stand there not knowing what to say speechless of shock … even though you had been feeling that it was going to happen soon, The air felt different, he was not acting like he use to, the sweet flirting, the gentle kiss, the butterflies stopped fluttering. I thought it was just normal that over time those things come and go.

As he talked and told me how he felt my heart began to race as begging it not to be true, he didn’t really need to say anything I already knew how he felt. My lungs seemed to be without air, my throat was aching while I was trying to force the tears inside, and my eyes were burning.
He said he loves me but, I’m not sure if he really believes it. I know I love him and I just want what he wants. I do not want him to stay with me if he no longer loves me. .

I hung up the phone and the pain was ripped out of my throat water tore down my face. I held it to long trying not to let him know just how much it hurt. I know he cares about me and I know he doesn’t want to hurt me I had to not let him see. I want what’s best for him.

Maybe if I stay strong maybe just maybe it will pass. I might just move on or might not. I never knew how much I could hurt until last night. Maybe this is God. Maybe he has a bigger plan for both of us. I asked God to help me and him and do what is best. I do know I love him but that might just be the problem… maybe I love him too much. Was I putting him before God? I guess I know the answer to that…

What I do know is that love, true love always finds a way to work its self out. Love is never simple it’s a bunch of knots that need to be untangled. Love is like a storm there is always that calm to be found.

A Letter In The Mail

Today I got a letter in the mail. I was not expecting it, but had wandered when it would come. You see this past summer I went with my beautiful church family on a youth retreat. This letter was from my past self to my future self. A very sweet Canadian woman had me write a letter of encouragement and reminders about what I had commited myself too. The letter came at just the right time. I had forgotten about who I had begun to fall very in love with and it is not just some boy. I reminded myself about what I needed to focus on. This is part of the letter that I wrote to myself -

"... Remember all the people who love you, your family in Christ and your family at home. Also don't forget you should be loving yourself, just like God our FATHER loves you. Do not lose hope in yourself, just keep going. Remember how in love you are with him. Strive to please him and only him. He is just so deeply in love with you, you cant even understand it. Do not forget to talk and LISTEN to him. He enjoys hearing from you. Also remember what you told yourself, push yourself to keep going, one day you will get to where you are walking. You might get lost sometimes, but think of the bible as a GPS it will show you where to go and how to get there. Don't give up. ( PS. God is there for you always.)"

I know that letter was to me. But I hope this letter helps you also, what ever you might be dealing with.

Well once again I am very sleepy, and have to get up very early school again... Goodnight love all of you! Sweet dreams. I will post again tomorrow.

                                                                                           XOXO, Hannah Shiloh